Question:
I’m in a long-distance relationship with a man I really like. We met while he lived in the same city I do and dated for four months. Then, he had to move out of state for work reasons. Before he left, he asked me to move with him. I said it was too soon and didn’t. We’ve been seeing each other every two or three weeks, but I can tell the relationship is changing (and not for the better). I’m really into him, and it’s hard for me to meet people I’m really into. What’s making things worse is that not only do we have the problem of distance, but he’s getting frustrated with me because he feels like he’s chasing me.
I’ve had several friends tell me I should trust my gut, but I have no idea what my gut is saying. In fact, I’m seeing a therapist to try to learn how to relate to my emotions better and learn how to express them better. My therapist says to keep practicing, but I’m not even sure what I’m practicing. I’ve told my boyfriend this and have asked him to be patient. I know I have problems with commitment, but I want to get over them. And I don’t want to lose what seems like a really great guy. But, I just don’t know where to start – help!
Answer:
That’s a tough one: Hearing advice you want to follow, but not knowing how to. Makes you want to crawl back into bed and forget the whole thing, doesn’t it?
You have to get in touch with your feelings and emotions first before you can figure out the rest of this. Whether it’s this guy, another guy, staying here, moving, or just being comfortable and happy with yourself in your own space, knowing what you feel and why is a cornerstone to making good choices.
Have you tried meditating? It’s a good way to make quiet time with yourself, to learn to ask for help, then to listen to your inner voice (or your guides, angels, God, the Universe, your soul…there are all sorts of things you can listen to, depending on your beliefs). From there, you’ll start to figure out what you’re listening to – what you’re feeling. Ask, then make sure you listen.
I personally find meditating challenging – my mind at any moment has about three hundred thoughts going through it. Once I do relax, I tend to fall asleep. That being said, I have my clearest thoughts and best ideas in the space between relaxing and sleeping. And the more I do it, the more I’m able to remain in a meditative state and not fall asleep.
So, how do you quiet the three hundred thoughts? Endless methods, tapes, and theories exist, and if you try to evaluate them all, you’ll never get started. One method I’ve found particularly helpful is discussed by Wayne Dyer in his book “In the Gap.” Basically, he describes a way of focusing on the space between words. It’s powerful stuff, and it seems to work. I’ve also found music to be helpful (Alan Roubik in particular works well for me, maybe because it’s a bit upbeat), and sometimes the right incense or scented candles are good, too. Maybe because I started out by meditating in the snippets of time I had during the day (the car – only when stopped, of course! – the office, while waiting in line), I don’t feel as though I have to be in a particular room, with my favorite Buddha-patterned cushion, with exactly three candles, and precisely at 7 am each day. I think the key is to just try and see what comes from it. Like exercise, anything you do is better than nothing, right?
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Posted by: — Meg
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