Question:
I met a guy recently who seems very nice. But, when I ask about his past, he gets defensive and angry and doesn’t want to answer. He’s open about what he does for a living — he’s a developer — and he’s very open about talking about his ex-wife; apparently, she was extremely emotionally disturbed. But when I ask about how he felt, or what he used to do in response to her, or really about anything having at all to do with him, he lashes out at me. And then somehow he manages to turn the discussion back around on me, putting me on the defensive by calling me “nosey.” Should I be patient and wait for him to open up? I could see where it would be hard for him to trust a woman after his experiences with his ex.
Answer:
And you think he’s a nice guy? Now is the time to really pay attention to what is going on. What do you want from a relationship? Do you want to be with someone who communicates well and you get along with easily? Six months from now, do you think you’ll be having the same issues with him?
It’s easy for him to blame his ex-wife for all that went wrong in their marriage, but has he examined the role he played in it? Why was he drawn to a partner like that? How did he contribute to what he considers a bad relationship? I learned the hard way that individuals who have “crazy” exes usually play a role in the situation. It takes two people to be in an unhealthy relationship, and from what you’re saying, he hasn’t looked at his own contribution to it. This probably means he’s going to keep getting involved with and creating the same type of relationship over and over until he learns what he has to learn.
The question is whether you want to be a part of that. Granted there’s a normal progression to openness and communication as two people grow closer, but defensiveness and lashing out do not play a role in that.
Posted by: — Meg
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